We are instructed to tailor ourselves and our discomfort - constantly told that we are ‘whining’ and ‘nagging’ and ‘complaining too much.’
That kind of silence is horribly violent, that kind of insistence upon uniformly nodding in agreement to your own despair, and smiling emptily so no man is ever uncomfortable around us.
Male-entitlement dictates a woman’s silence.
If we could see the mimetic model of the erasure of a woman’s voice, it would be an incredibly bloody sight."
-Mehreen Kasana, A Woman of War.
The world we live in is decidedly male-dominated. In the patriarchal society we grow up in, it is instilled in young girls from day one, some way or another, that you must make yourself smaller to accommodate, to make space for men.
If a man catcalls you on the street, you are not to shout at him-- that is rude. Smile politely, he complimented you after all, didn't he? The whoops and hollers from strange, intimidating men on the street mean that you're an attractive woman. You should enjoy hearing "nice legs, sweetheart" and any other witty remark that comes from a man too cowardly to get your attention any other way than a whistle on the street.
Boys don't like smart girls. Don't show off, you can't put a boy to shame with your higher intellect, your better skills. That would crush his fragile ego, wouldn't it? Then boys will never like you!
Smush yourself into your seat to make way for the man that barrels by you on the train without excusing himself. You were probably in his way after all. He must be very busy. You should apologize.
Right?
This is the way it's supposed to be. As a woman, you apologize for taking up too much space.
Brilliant feminist and novelist Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie addressed this topic in a TED talk in April of 2013. You may recognize this excerpt, which was sampled on Beyoncé's song, ***Flawless:
"We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls,'You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful, otherwise you will threaten the man.'"
And this is the way it has been. Any ambition or intelligence or passion you have ought to be toned down so the man is not threatened or scared away.
But this is utterly and completely untrue.
As a woman, you have every advantage within yourself. Women are strong, both mentally, emotionally, and physically, despite what misogynists may have to say. As both a woman and a human being, you have a brilliant mind. Do not let anyone take that from you. Do not diminish yourself. Do not hide, do not suppress, do not settle.
You are an enigma. You are a paradox. You can be anything and everything you've ever desired. You can be passionate, you can be brilliant, you can be strong, because you are all those things.
Strong women change the world.
Do not let anyone dictate how you carry yourself. Do not let strangers harass you in the streets. Do not let anyone force you to do something you do not want to do. Do not let anyone make you feel like you are anything less than an inferno.
You are bright, you are dangerous, you are awe-inspiring.
Women are not a force to be reckoned with. Women are not fragile. Women can destroy, women can create, women can have anything in this world in the palm of their hand if they so choose.
So let your feelings of inconvenience be known. Make this world a better place for you to live in, and do not let anyone make you believe that this world is not yours for the taking.
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Below: "Valley of the Dolls", a collage of diverse, beautiful, strong women I created for a project.
Be empowered.
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